Parenting was meant to take a village
How capitalism atomized families and fucked us all over.
I’m at that age now. You know the one. The one where your friend circle newsfeed transforms overnight to a carousel of baby photos and marriage proposals. Where conversations at dinner parties inevitably veer towards the merits of various preschools and the challenges of sleep training. Where friends who once raved until dawn now yawn their way through 9 PM Netflix sessions, dark circles under their eyes testifying to nights spent soothing colicky infants.
That’s not a bad thing, actually. So… why is it though?
Welcome to your thirties. Constant exhaustion is your new best friend, children or not.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends, and I’m happy for them. Really, I am. But watching them navigate the treacherous waters of modern parenthood is like witnessing a slow-motion car crash. You want to look away, but you can’t. The carnage is too compelling.
The undying myth of the nuclear family
Here’s an anecdote for you: It’s a Tuesday afternoon, and I’m at the office, burning through Excel sheets because capitalism demands its pound of flesh. Two of my colleagues — let’s call them Sarah and Emma, because why not — are huddled by the coffee machine, commiserating over lukewarm cups of workplace sludge.
Sarah: “God, I'm so tired. Mia was up half the night with a fever, and then I had to be here for a 7 AM video call with the manager.”
Emma: “I feel you. I haven’t had a weekend to myself in... I can’t even remember. Between Ethan’s soccer practice, Olivia’s dance recitals, and trying to keep the house from looking like a war zone, I’m running on fumes.”
Sarah: “Remember when we used to go out for drinks after work?”
Emma: (laughs bitterly) “Remember when we used to sleep?”
This was a pretty cringe recount of the real thing, but you get the gist:
This scene, my guys, is being played out in offices, homes, and playgrounds across the Western world. Parents — and let’s be real, it’s still primarily mothers unfortunately — are being crushed under the weight of impossible expectations. Work a full-time job, raise well-adjusted children, maintain a Pinterest-worthy home, stay fit, be a attentive partner, and for fuck’s sake, don’t forget to practice self-care! It’s enough to make anyone want to scream into the void.
But here’s the kicker: it wasn’t always like this. Not entirely.
For most of human history, child-rearing was a communal affair. The oft-quoted African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” wasn’t just a cute saying — it was a reflection of reality. Extended families, neighbors, and community members all played a role in caring for and educating children. The burden didn’t fall solely on the shoulders of two sleep-deprived adults trying to juggle careers and caregiving.
But then capitalism came along and said, “Fuck that noise. Atomized nuclear families are where it’s at! How else are we going to sell a unique set of consumer goods to every household? How else do we keep them from building guillotines?”
And just like that, the village disappeared. Forever.
The great grandparent grift
Now, you might be thinking, “But wait! What about grandparents? Surely they can step in and help out?”
Yeah.
Yes, in some cultures and families, grandparents still play a significant role in childcare. But in many parts of the West, we’ve created a perfect storm of factors that make this increasingly difficult:
People are having children later in life, meaning grandparents are older and may have health issues of their own.
Families are more geographically dispersed than ever before.
Many grandparents are still working themselves, because retirement is becoming a luxury few can afford.
And here’s a radical thought: maybe, just maybe, after spending decades raising their own kids and working their asses off, grandparents deserve to enjoy their golden years without being pressed into service as unpaid babysitters.
The assumption that grandparents will automatically become free childcare is a form of intergenerational gaslighting. It’s a way for society (and let’s be real, governments) to offload the responsibility of caring for the young onto the old, creating a never-ending cycle of exhaustion and resentment.
As one Reddit user on r/antinatalism put it eloquently (can’t find the link, I just wrote it down at some point):
“Expecting grandparents to be default babysitters is like playing a shitty game of hot potato with responsibility. Congrats, you created a life! Now pass that burden up the generational chain!”
Birth rates and capitalism’s death rattle
Now, let’s zoom out for a moment and look at the bigger picture. Birth rates across the Western world (and increasingly, in developing countries) are plummeting faster than my will to live during a Zoom meeting.
According to the World Bank, the global fertility rate has halved since 1960, dropping from around 5 births per woman to 2.3 in 2022. In the EU, it’s even lower, at 1.5 births per woman as of 2021. Japan, the evergreen poster child for demographic decline, hit a record low of 1.3 in 2021. South Korea is worse. Africa is slowly following suit, as is the rest of the world.
This trend has governments and economists shitting their pants. After all, who’s going to buy all the crap we produce and pay into pension systems if we don’t keep pumping out new wage slaves?
Cue the panic. Cue the propaganda. Cue the guilt-tripping of young people who have the audacity to prioritize their mental health, financial stability, or — gasp — the planet over procreation.
“But the economy needs workers!” they cry.
“Who will pay for your retirement?” they wail.
“Don’t you want to experience the joy of parenthood?” they wheedle.
To which I say: fuck off. Do what you want. Do what makes you happy. You owe nothing to the system; the same one that murders people all over the world for endless, unsustainable profits.
The push for higher birth rates isn’t about ensuring the happiness and wellbeing of future generations. It’s about sustaining an unsustainable system of endless growth on a finite planet. It’s about keeping the gears of capitalism greased with the blood and sweat of new workers, new consumers, new debtors:
We’re eight fucking billion, and that is more than enough. It’s too much.
Anti-natalist revolution? Is it cringe?
Is it any wonder, then, that more and more people are saying “Thanks, but no thanks” to the whole parenting gig?
Enter the anti-natalists, stage left.
Anti-natalism, for the uninitiated, is the philosophical position that assigns a negative value to birth. It argues that bringing new sentient beings into existence is ethically questionable at best and morally reprehensible at worst.
Now, before you dismiss this as some fringe/cringe ideology, consider this: the subreddit r/antinatalism has over 165,000 members as of August 2024 (not to put too much value on such numbers; social media is a cancer). That’s a lot of people who’ve looked at the state of the world and said, “Nah, I'm good.”
A cool post:
“Bringing a child into this world is like inviting someone to a party where the house is on fire, the food is poisoned, and half the guests are plotting to kill each other. And then acting surprised when they’re not having a good time.”
Dark? Perhaps. But in a world teetering on the brink of climate catastrophe, where inequality is skyrocketing, where fascism is on the rise, and where the future looks increasingly bleak... can you really blame them?
Anti-natalism can take on sinister associations and I am not a fan of telling people how to live — do whatever you want, mate — but they do have a point. Still, don’t let them keep you from having children if that is what you want. Just do not have them out of a sense of obligation.
The education system: another brick in the wall
Let’s not forget about the education system, that glorious institution tasked with preparing our youth for the future. Spoiler alert: it’s fucked. And I’ve been a teacher for a couple years, here in Austria.
Teachers are leaving the profession in droves (that’s me!), burnt out by low pay, lack of resources, and the soul-crushing weight of standardized testing. In the US, 44% of public schools reported teaching vacancies at the start of the 2022-23 school year, according to a survey by the National Center for Education Statistics.
One teacher, posting anonymously on an education forum, summed it up:
“I didn't sign up to be a underpaid babysitter, a target for angry parents, a scapegoat for societal problems, and a punching bag for politicians. I wanted to inspire young minds. Instead, I’m just trying to survive until the next holiday break.”
So not only are parents expected to work full-time jobs and be primary caregivers, but they’re also increasingly having to fill in the gaps left by a crumbling education system. It’s like a dystopian version of “Bring Your Child to Work Day,” every day.
The Village We Need
Look, I’m not here to shit on people who choose to have kids. If that’s your jam, more power to you. But we need to be real about the challenges of parenting in the 21st century, and we need to start demanding better.
We need:
Robust parental leave policies: None of this “six weeks and you’re back at work” bullshit. I'm talking a minimum of one year, fully paid, for both parents. We somewhat have that in Austria, but not really.
Universal childcare: Quality, affordable childcare shouldn’t be a luxury. It should be a right.
Flexible work arrangements: The 9-to-5, Monday to Friday grind is a relic of the industrial age. Let’s embrace remote work, job sharing, and flexible hours. This does not mean being available 24/7, it means I do my job and you fuck off with your surveillance.
Community support systems: Bring back the village in modern form! Let’s invest in community centers, parent groups, and intergenerational programs that foster connection and mutual aid.
A complete overhaul of our education system: Less testing, more learning. Better pay and resources for teachers. Curriculums that actually prepare kids for the future, not the past.
Universal Basic Income: Because nobody should have to choose between paying rent and spending time with their kids. This is a complex topic.
And for the love of all that is holy, can we please dismantle capitalism? A system that values profit over people, growth over sustainability, and competition over cooperation is fundamentally incompatible with healthy families and communities.
And also:
I’m sure there’s more and the ideas above are complex and need to be developed much, much further. (I prefer criticizing instead of solving, sue me.)
The End of the Line?
As we stand at the precipice of what could be the twilight of the Anthropocene, the question of whether to bring new life into this world becomes more fraught than ever.
Climate scientist Peter Kalmus puts it starkly:
“As a climate scientist, I’m often asked if I’m optimistic or pessimistic about the future. My honest answer is that I’m terrified. We are heading for a world that will be unrecognizable and likely unsurvivable for billions of people.”
Is it ethical to create new beings who will inherit a dying world? A world of rising seas, burning forests, collapsing ecosystems, and societal upheaval?
There’s no answer to that. But one thing is clear: if we’re going to keep this whole human experiment going, we need to radically rethink how we approach parenting, community, and the very structures of our society.
The nuclear family was an experiment that promised much but delivered a toxic legacy. It’s time to decommission this failed model and build something new.
It’s time to bring back the village (not in the literal sense; we’re eight billion for fuck’s sake). Not just for the sanity of parents and children, but for all of us. Because in the end, we’re all in this together. We’re all part of the same dysfunctional, beautiful, terrible human family.
And who knows? Maybe if we can figure out how to raise children in a way that’s sustainable, equitable, and actually fucking enjoyable, we might just figure out how to save ourselves in the process.
Or maybe we’ll all just end up as a cautionary tale for whatever species evolves intelligence after we’re gone.
Either way, it’s going to be one hell of a ride.
Cheers,
Antonio Melonio
Read my novels, yo: link
I’m author and writer Antonio Melonio, the creator of Beneath the Pavement. If you enjoyed this piece, please consider becoming a paid subscriber here on Substack or over on Patreon. It’s the best way to support Beneath the Pavement and help independent, real, realistic, edgy, honest, critical writing.
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I spent decades in the construction industry. Hated most days, but learned a lot about everything from human interaction, to how to build my own dwelling. Hands on work, with others of the "unwashed masses" class of folks, can be a surprisingly intimate and expansive experience. Sadly, it took me decades to finally understand that my work life taught me that in the not so distant past, the majority of us were raised by a village, and were far better off as a result.
The brutality of the market meant that I was randomly located in a fairly fertile location to pursue my trades. In the fat times, the market would need more workers, and thanks to being in a union, a lot of my fellow men and women from a "poorer" region, and hour or two distant, got the chance for short term work, at higher pay. These folks were unusual, in that they were remarkably content, pleasant to be around, amazingly productive, and not looking for a way to vent their frustration by "putting it to the company" which was a common theme with a large minority of my fellow union members.
The difference finally occurred to me, much later. These folks were deep in the culture of their own village. They were all from post-industrial cities or adjoining towns. They had an ethnic, family, neighborhood and religious identity that were often quite strong. They belong to everything, from the neighborhood softball team, the fire company, the church on the corner, and more. They lived in a low COL area. They were not striving for the new bass boat, the $70K pickup, the 2500 sq. ft. trophy house a few miles out of town. They were content with a long paid off row house is a gritty town, and thrilled with the small above ground pool they would set up in the backyard every summer. They were concerned with things like getting the neighborhood ready for the upcoming heritage festival, or if their new college grad daughter got the job at the community hospital. They didn't spend time searching for a car dealer willing to trap them into an $800 monthly payment on an SUV they have absolutely zero need for. They were simply enjoying being human, not well-trained little capitalist serfs, chained to the hamster wheel of earning and yearning.
This was how life was for these folks 20-30 years ago. I doubt much of this way of life remains, as those areas are in many case going backwards quickly, as a result of heartless economics, generational flight, and drug addiction. But, for a brief few years I got to see what life could be like when family and community mattered more than a race to the end of it all, chasing the next shiny new thing.
Sadly, it was only after I had the chance to retire and look back at what I missed, did I notice that these folks were a hell of a lot happier than 99% of those I knew, including myself and my dysfunctional family.
I got 2 kids.. But I only got two kids after I was absolutely sure that a violent collapse was unavoidable. So people think i am evil and cynical and many other things. I did it because my wife really wanted to have kids. I had postponed it for 20 years. But now - why should I deny her what makes her happy and is important to her? I understand that people think it is evil against the kids - but any kid will live and die it is just a matter of timing. The kids are happy - the wife is happy. There is no point in denying and diminishing what makes your life good when you are already living like wiley coyote running in the air. There is only one point to life now in the face of the unavoidable collapse: Having a good time.
If not having kids make you happy that is what you should do. Being a CO2 saint at this point - is POINTLESS. The faster the crash happens the faster we are through it and the better chances nature has to recuperate.
I do agree that having a village to bring up the kids would be much better than the awful government institutions. It sucks and is expensive and it is allienating towards the kids.